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Barbax Jokes
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Confession Joke (Diana's Joke)
Tommy went to confession. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman".
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" Yes,
Father, it tis."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say, Father."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell, Father."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry Father, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighed in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend Sean slid over and whispered, "What'd you get?"
Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
Bar Bear Joke
So a bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies, "sorry we dont serve beer to bears here." Angered the bear threatens "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there." The bartender says, "Go ahead." So the bear eats the lady and then asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we dont give beer to bears on drugs." The bear responds "What do you mean? Im not on drugs." "Yes, you are, that was the barbituate."
Jokes
Pub Joke
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
10 Martinis Joke
A man walks into a bar ands asks the bartender to set up 10 Martini’s in a row. The bartender complies and then watches the man down all 10 drinks without stopping. The bartender, being curious, asks if he is celebrating something. The man replies “I just got my first blow job”. The bartender says congratulations and offers the next drink on the house. The man replies “no thanks, if 10 Martinis don’t kill the taste, nothing will.”
Hey, Nice Tie Joke
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. "Hey, nice tie!"
comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if he had
said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man
just ignores it. "Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the
bartender is engaged elsewhere. "Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls
the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him. "It's not me,
it's the complimentary peanuts."
12 Shots Joke
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
DUI Joke
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Q and A Jokes
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
Jokes
A 45 pounds.
Q What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A 45 minutes.
Q Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A Breasts don't have eyes.
Q If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q What is the difference between medium and rare?
A Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
        More Q and A Jokes
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
   
More Q and A Jokes
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is 40' long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at the nursing home.
   
Sports Jokes and Trivia (Comedy/ Humor)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-by."
The 49ers Joke (for Jordy)
How are the San Fransico 49ers defense and your momma alike?
You give them a Quarter and they'll let you score
McGet’s Joke (yeah we know it’s cheesy) Jokes
So this rope walks into a bar and says, "Get me a beer!" The bar tender replies, "We don't serve beers to ropes here."
So the rope walks out and sees this guy walking down the sidewalk and says, "Tie me in a knot and fray the end."
So the guy does. Then the rope walks back in the bar and says, "Get me a beer!" The bar tender replies, "Aren't you the same rope who just came in here?"
The rope says, “I’m a Fraid Knot!"
The Mistake Test (Comedy/ Humor)
See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you must start over or it won’t work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top…
College student Letter and Response (Comedy/ Humor)
Dear Mom and Dad:
Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t!
But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don't want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.
Love
Your $on
Response
Dear Son:
NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing Noble.
Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left.
Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time.
Have to go NOw.
Mom & Dad
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